Tuesday, June 14, 2011

frustrations and amusements

So, I'm still down another pound! It wasn't down as much as I wanted it to be, but I can deal with it. If there's one thing I have learned in weight loss is that you can NEVER predict how much you will lose (umm, Biggest Loser anyone???). I have gotten over the initial body shock of the low calorie diet, so now I am getting into the heavy work outs and trying my best to burn calories, disappear the fat, and grow muscle. Hmm, maybe thats why I only lost a little...maybe I'm making some MAD muscles!!

On to another frustration...I was trying to work out this morning because the kiddos were still sleeping. I popped in one of my old favorites, Billy Blanks' bootcamp. Its an oldie, and Billy is INSANE, but its a butt kicker! I got through about 15 minutes, making my own adjustments for my particular situation, when I got a stupid idea: I thought to myself, "I can do that side kick NO problem"! Yeah, I was wrong. One kick and I was on the floor, leg hurting. This is where I get REALLY upset with myself. For those of you that haven't known me very long, I used to have crazy strong quad muscles. I could do sitting leg presses, lifting twice my weight. At the point I could do that, I weighed 180...double that. I was impressive!

For me to go from seriously strong legs to weakness beyone weakness is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with. Its FRUSTRATING to want to work out and get strong and just rip my muscles and not be able to do it the way I used to. Frankly, it pisses me off.

Luckily, Heavenly Father knows me. He knows that one of the best ways to motivate me is to tell me that I can't do something. My genius surgeon figured this out early; he would tell me that I would never walk again and that I would be handicapped forever. What did I do? I flipped him off (yes I did...I blame narcotics), got out of bed, and walked. Now, if you can't see my leg, you would never know I am hurt by my walking. The same goes with working out. I have to keep going...prove everyone wrong about my leg. I'm already leaps and bounds stronger than I was 3 years ago, so I know I can do this!

On to something a little more amusing...I have the kids enrolled in swim lessons and had to stop afterward to get some gas. I was standing at the pump when this other gas customer looked at me and said "hi there...you are looking awful pretty today...very nice"...I took a quick look at my reflection in my car window and almost laughed out loud...I'm in my swimsuit, coverup, hair in a ponytail, mascara smeared...Seriously?!?!?! This dude needs to get his eyes checked ;)

Nonetheless, its a roller-coaster day for me...hopefully I'll have more ups than downs!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Success and a mini-cheat!

I'm doing my gimpy happy dance right now! As of this morning, even AFTER eating my breakfast (ok, drinking it...I had a protein berry smoothie), I am officially down 4 and a half pounds in one week! WOOHOO! This is exactly why I do this particular diet program; results are almost instantaneous, and after many years of dieting, I have found that fast results in the beginning is what I need. If I don't see some sort of results quickly, I get discouraged and start to sabotage myself. I am so excited right now! It looks like if I keep on track, which now that I see results I will, I could potentially lose 20 lbs this month, hopefully another 15-20 next month, and see where I wanna go from then. I understand that there will be plateaus, but I have fought against plateaus before, and I am a tough chick...I will win. I don't give up, and when someone tells me that I can't do something, it typically pisses me off (sorry for the strong language...thats the only phrase that TRULY sums up the feeling) and makes me want to do it faster...like with my leg. My docs told me I might never walk again, and here I am, on the verge of running and jumping. Take THAT statistics!!!

Friday night, Del and I attended a birthday party for a friend in our ward. It was a poker night, complete with a full junk-food bar...I was SO nervous going in because I wasn't sure of my will-power at that point. There was to be pizza, soda, brownie bites, candy bars, and much more...and veggies. I was grateful to our hosts for the veggie option, but not sure I could restrain myself from the other options. I was lucky though, because I had an accountability buddy! Marianne W. and I are of the same mindset when it comes to those things, so she called me up before the party to make sure we could keep each other on track. Whenever we saw something we wanted badly but couldn't have, we would hum the music for "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-dot bikini". It was fun to do and kept both of us on track. I'm grateful for friends who help me out so much because they know whats at stake. Marianne is a HUGE inspiration for me because she has lost over 60 lbs. and keeps it off. She is my hero!!!

This weekend, I had a little cheat. Normally, when I am on a strict diet, I will not do what I did. However, a high-school friend of mine opened a new bakery in the Power Square mall (Power and Baseline VF Factory Outlet area) and he was having his grand opening. In true facebook and proud coyote fashion, I clicked "I'm attending" on the event page and was excited to see a friend I haven't seen in almost 10 years. I took my family knowing full well that I would likely not find anything that I could eat and not feel super terrible about eating. As we walked up to the counter, I could feel disappointment building up inside of me....until I saw this:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Commence gimpy happy dance!!! It was a teeny-weeny lemon cupcake...Barely a full bite! I bought ONE (and a HUGE brownie for the hubby and a little german chocolate one for Sam) and very slowly ate it. It was HEAVEN! I probably turned it into 4 bites. Anyway, I stuck to the one and didn't really want more. That little morsel of heaven was enough for me. It looks as if my willpower is growing strong! I highly suggest ya'll head over to the bakery and have some goodies. Ashba knows what he is doing!

Anyway, thanks again for your support. I love sharing my successes (and eventually a shortcoming that I KNOW I will have) with you all. Its nice to share these things and know that out in blogworld, people are cheering you on!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Irritations and Incentives

Well kids, I have done the impossible...I have lost weight during the most difficult time of the month! WHEEEEEE!!!! The back boobs are shrinking...I'd probably call them an A cup now :). I have been diligent and even with my cravings, I have been strong! GO ME!!!

So, I have a rant to share. maybe its my hormones, but I about beat my husband last night. We went to Target just putzing around. I had made a great dinner of baked chicken, pasta (for them, NOT me) and salad. Of course, my hubby wanted dessert. We were at the Target at Power and McKellips, and being the fat girl that I am, I know where all ice cream places are in the area. For any of you thast know, there is a Coldstone Creamery on the SE corner there. So, I didn't say anything to the hubby. He saw it though. He said "lets go get some dessert...you've worked hard, you can have a little, right?"...I'm like "ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!" I have NO willpower. seriously. I proceeded to tell him in little words that if I walk into Coldstone in this phase of my weight loss, I will not be successful. He got irritated. I love my husband, but he is an enabler and I don't know what to do about it. You see, he (and I) grew up in households that treasured meals as a fun family time. I agree, meals are a great time to share with your family...but both of our families take it too far. When Del and I were dating, I felt so at home with his family because I was not being judged at the kitchen table or for my weight...ever. It was nice not to worry about what people thought about what was on my plate.

Anyway, I digress again. We ended up not going to Coldstone because I was almost in tears and in our almost 6 years of marriage, Del has learned NOT to mess with me during that time of the month. We went home and he had a popsicle while I went on a cleaning spree to work out my frustration. So, my question for the day is:
                             What would you do in my situation??????

So, I'm proud of myself for persevering and rearing my ugly hormonal head to keep away from one of my biggest temptations (for the record, my fav at Coldstone is the cheesecake ice cream with cherry pie filling and graham cracker pie crust). One day I'll be able to walk into Coldstone with discipline and be able to order with confidence.

Now, on to incentives! I wanted to share a couple of my incentive outfits! This first one is a swimsuit I picked up at the end of last season. The top is a sixe 10, the bottom a size 12. I hope to be in this by mid-July.
It's much cuter in person...and a much deeper purple.

This next is a dress I got at Goodwill for a DOLLAR! Its a size 10...it was too cute to pass up. especially for a DOLLAR!!!! ;)

When I can fit into these things, you can bet I'll post pics (whether you like it or not ;))

Thanks everyone for your support thus far, I'm so glad you all are sharing this journey with me!!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Friend and Foe

Today has been a rough one...I received my monthly gift from mother nature, and all you gals know about the cravings that come with THAT one...plus, because of said gift, I'm bloated and retaining water. GRR!!! Normally, when I retain water (which isn't often), I know why. Usually its because I overloaded on one of my biggest diet derailers: salt.

Ever since I was a little fat girl, I have LOVED salt. The salt shaker (right next to that evil sneeze-inducing pepper shaker whom I now love) was forever a fixture on our kitchen table. I reached for the salt shaker without ever tasting the 'naked' food. I also come from a long line of salt lovers. I love my dad dearly, but his salt habit is worse than mine was. He is the guy at McD's that adds more salt to the hash brown patty at breakfast (something that appalled my hubby at first, but he's cool now). My dad is the great salt lover, and from the stories he tells me, so were my grandparents who died when I was young. I loved salt.

Being on constant diets has taught me something...sodium is essential to a healthy diet. IN MODERATION!!! Table salt is a baaaaad thing. Nature is kind enough in most instances to give us all the sodium we need in foods that are undoctored and unprocessed. The diet foods I am using (and all diet food is NOT created equally), has minimal salt in it. It provides exactly what I am supposed to have! Needless to say, I have gone through somewhat of a "detox" from salt. Its HARD! My lunch today was NASTY, and the first thing I wanted to do was reach for the salt shaker. I didn't, but I also couldn't choke down the 'minestrone' soup from Medifast (don't even go there people!!!).

I had to find something else to eat. I wasn't ready to rip open another medifast packet to try something else. My body wanted something else. My eyes were drawn to the Quaker Oat man on the rolled oats box (its not really a box though...its round...cylinder?). This I could do! I cooked up a serving, added 1 tsp pecans for the fat I need for the day, 1 tsp brown sugar, and 1/4 tsp cinnamon. YUMMY!!! Oatmeal, and I'm not talking about the packeted fruit-and-cream-with-way-too-much-sugar-variety, is my new best friend! So filling! I ate it about 4.5 hours ago and I am still going strong. Oats have lots of other benefits too. When I am off the pre-packaged meals I am certain that oatmeal will be a daily staple.

So, there you have it friends...PMS sucks, salt sucks, and oatmeal rocks. I can't wait til I stop bloating because I know by the time that happens ( I typically bloat for 3-4 days), I should be seeing some results from my diligence.

By the way, how do ya'll feel about me trying to do a time-lapse thingy where I take a pic everyday in the same outfit so we can watch me shrink? I think it sounds AWESOME!!!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


So, I'm not sure how often I'm gonna do this whole writing thing. I guess when the mood hits me, I'll write. First of all, thanks to my new supporters/followers! It makes me happy to know that I'm not just writing, hitting click, and my post disappears into cyberland. Second, I had to face a fear today....wearing a swimsuit in public...

I HATE being in a swimsuit in public. But, the kiddos are in swim lessons and in order for Amelia to partake, I must be in the water with her. So, I donned the lycra pieces I have and went to the water. Now, I hate suits for a couple of reasons. One, I am as white as an albino, and don't think its nice to blind the poor pool patrons. Two, I am fat. Nuff said. Three: I have some beastly scars on my leg and people STARE. Now, I understand that when one sees a mangled leg its hard not to look. I look when I see people with injuries, but I don't stare. I don't even care when KIDS stare. Its when the other moms are looking around and they focus on it and look and look and look...its like, come ON lady....if it was just cellulite (which the genetic gods have not hit me too hard with) you wouldn't stare...Luckily, I usually have a sense of humor about the situation and let it go. but there were LOTS of 'starers' today. Oh well, they had better get used to it.

I digress...I looked terrible. the bottoms weren't so bad, but the top was horrible. First, and excuse me if this is TMI, but my boobs are not amazing. I have breastfed two kids. They aren't perky like they were 10 years ago, and this swimsuit shows that. Next, when I gain weight, one of the first places I gain is my back boobs. Couldn't I just move that fat to the front and make my real boobs fantastic??? (Heavenly Father, this is a design idea for later...just sayin') Anyway, it gave me even MORE incentive to stick to the diet. And you know what? I was awesome today at the pool, surrounded by vending machines. I stuck to my protein bar and water and was very proud of myself. The reward is not instantaneous, but it will come. and when it does, I will only have one set of boobs. :)

Funny fat bathing suit  cartoon from June 20, 2007

Monday, May 30, 2011

Ugh...this is my starting point...eew.

This picture was taken in mid-May. eew. Bad hair day and windy day outside. but it shows how much work is needed!

Day 1

Today was the first day of my new healthy life. I have forever been a yo-yo dieter, doing what I needed to in order to fit that one amazing outfit. Needless to say, lots of ups and downs in the last 3.5 years has caused my scale to do the same thing...go up and down....many times. I have been in a horrific accident that made me look at the things that REALLY matter in life. I have graduated from college. I have had a baby. I have had my first real teaching job. These are the BIG things within a bunch of other little things. I have changed A LOT in the last 3.5 years

One thing that hasn't changed? My relationship with food. I am and have always been an emotional eater. Broke up with a boyfriend in H.S.? Lets eat ice cream and curse his name. Got the lead role in a show? Lets celebrate with food so rich you feel like a queen. pregnancy emotions...cravings...medications...all these things have contributed to my weight. Everything comes down to this: I am NOT in control when it comes to food! Today, that changed.

I have tried almost EVERY diet out there. Jenny Craig, weight watchers (for one day), medifast, the 3 day diet, only eating celery sticks and cottage cheese, everything!!! Through all of these, I have learned many valuable tools like portion control, learning my eating triggers, timing, etc. I know the tricks, but applying them has always been hard. This is why I am beginning my new journey with a tried and true diet...a combination of brands of high-protein low-fat diet foods. Before the "Big Bang", I lost 30 lbs with it and kept it off until after the accident where depression and medication helped me gain it back. This time is different. This time, I have EXERCISE!!!

I hated P.E. in school. Now, I get up and go to the gym on purpose! I am addicted to BodyPump, a Les Mills class (google it...SO AWESOME). I modify the exercises to fit my still somewhat disabled body, and I have seen a vast improvement in strength. Now, to combine the eating habits and the exercise should be very exciting.

This first post is designed to show you where I am at. I will not post my weight, because to me (someone that has been classified "big boned" by at least 5 doctors and orthopedic surgeons), the number on the scale doesn't matter. According to the BMI chart (which does NOT take into account bone structure), for my height, I should be no more than 121 lbs. HA! Never GONNA HAPPEN! I would look so sickly. I refuse to get that small. I have a size goal of 10 in pants and medium in tops. I will be posting pics along the way to share my accomplishments.

Hopefully this blog will help me in the area of accountability. I know that if I have to post updates to the blog (and subsequently FB), I don't wanna post "Well, I screwed up and had the cheeseburger". Nope, not my style. So friends, please follow this blog. Help me help myself. Maybe I have a friend who is dealing with a similar struggle and this could give them the extra "oomph" they need to get going. I hope it can be inspirational for others and me.